I may not have a daughter yet, but I am one.
My mother taught me many, many things. She taught me to cook, to sew, to serve, to scrub a bathtub properly, to sing, to read, and many other valuable skills and lessons on life. Unfortunately, my wonderful mother also taught me to never be quite satisfied with myself.
Bless her heart, my mother is an angel. She is thoughtful, kind, beautiful, patient, creative, and strong. She may also be the most self-critical woman I've ever known. I've seen it in other women of her generation as well.
As a small child (and still today), I looked up to these wonderful women in my life. They sang like angels, had smiles and hugs that could warm a room, served incessantly in their families and communities, cooked the best darn food around, and seemed to always be juggling a hundred productive things at once. They were everything I wanted to be and more.
Unfortunately, they also spoke openly and frequently about all the ways in which they felt inadequate... all the ways in which their peers were more accomplished and more capable than they would ever be. They magnified their weaknesses and downplayed their strengths. They complained about their bodies and their difficult hair. They compared the worst of themselves against the best of others. Perhaps, they were taught that this was humility? They may not have spoken these things directly to me, but I was listening.
I am in no way trying to say that my mother failed me. I am simply saying that I wish she had known how deeply I was affected by her own negative self-talk. I wish she had loved herself as deeply and spoken of herself as highly as she did me. It was hard to believe that I could ever be good enough if someone as wonderful as her was apparently so deeply flawed.
I will say to you what I have tried to express to her on many occasions in the last few years. It applies to you as much as it does to her...
Please stop buying into all the ways in which society is telling you that you are not good enough. Please decide now to be more accepting of yourself both inwardly and outwardly. Please cease highlighting your weaknesses and start acknowledging your strengths. Please know that you are beautiful and important. Please stop comparing yourself to everyone around you and feeling like you always come up short. When someone compliments you, say "Thank You" and then please take the compliment to heart and believe them. If there is supposedly so much wrong with you, then why do so many people love and admire you? You are beautiful and perfect because you are YOU and there is nobody else in the world just like you. I deeply and genuinely believe this.
There is a problem among women in our society with believing that we are valuable. We spend too much time and energy focusing on the ways in which we want to be different or better, rather than the ways in which we are already good enough. Too often, we are good at acknowledging the strengths of those around us, and yet terrible at doing the same for ourselves. Why would you want to be just like someone else? Or look just like someone else? Imagine how boring our world would be if we were all the same! Please help me stop this cycle. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are wonderful and worthwhile - Do it every day! Each time you practice self-compassion, you give others permission to do the same.
In no way am I saying that I am perfect at this practice, but I am trying. I have been working on it for several years and I'll tell you that it gets easier with time. If loving yourself completely seems like an overwhelming endeavor, then just start by acting as if you believe it. If you just can't accept that you might already be perfect as you are, consult with God - ask Him to help you see yourself through His eyes. He will aid you in this endeavor. He loves you deeply just the way He made you, and He longs for you to value yourself the same.
Every time I overhear a mother talking about her body dissatisfaction or belittling herself in any way in the presence of her children, I cringe. I desperately want to stop her in her tracks and shake her until she realizes... little ears are listening!
Your negative self-talk does not go unnoticed. She loves you and looks up to you and maybe even hopes to be Just. Like. You. Each time you deplete your own worth, she wonders how she'll ever be good enough if you're not. Little ears are listening. Please be careful what you say.
