Affirming Goodness

Friday, May 12, 2017

With 3 small kids under the age of 5, Anthony and I have a healthy awareness of how green we still are at this parenting gig. We are making things up as we go, trying to figure out what works, failing a lot, and apologizing to our kids plenty when we do it wrong. We know that we are still in the beginning; that we haven’t really “figured it out” yet. So, I wouldn’t say we have a lot of established family rules or anything, with one exception. That exception being that we do not call members of our family “bad.” It’s non-negotiable, and everyone is conscious of this expectation.

NO ONE in our family is “BAD.”

Ultimately, we just don’t believe that human beings can accurately be labeled as “bad” and it is important to us that our children understand this. Doing bad things does not inherently make a person bad. If we assume that people are nothing more than a summation of everything they do or have ever done, we lose sight of everything they still have the potential to do yet. Not to mention the incredible human tendency towards change and growth when given the opportunity… but I digress.

So one recent afternoon, I found myself sitting in our stairway face to face with a grimacing, fuming, 4 year old in his time-out seat. I was getting nowhere in my attempts to discuss with him the actions that landed him in said time-out. I could see the rest of our day spinning down a proverbial drain (neither he nor I tend to rebound well from these situations) and my own patience and emotions were reaching a dangerous limit. I took the opportunity to pause, breathe, and pray silently for direction. In an instant, I was reminded that Anthony had recently started a bedtime ritual of positive affirmations with Calvin. I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere without finding a way to soften him, so I looked Calvin in the eyes and said, “Repeat after me.” He glared back and our conversation progressed as follows:

“My mommy loves me.”
A glowering repetition from Calvin.
 “I love me.”
Again he reluctantly repeated, and I went on.
 “I am a good boy!”
And instead of a repetition, there came a heart-rending, “Really?!” followed by streaming tears as the wall between us collapsed.

It was immediately clear to me that my effort to instill within my children a confident knowledge of their goodness has been falling victim to my other actions. Because, no matter how often I tell them that “no one in our family is bad,” the ways that I reprimand or react towards them in difficult moments have a much deeper effect on their concepts of worth.

I struggle frequently with knowing how to balance love with discipline. Especially in the most heated moments, I am much quicker to redirect than I am to seek to understand. A punch is thrown, for example, and I jump immediately (and not always calmly) to the defense of the victim without having any context on the rest of their interaction leading up to that moment. Not that I would ever condone punching, but I am realizing that taking a moment to seek understanding before issuing punishment can lead to a much more desirable outcome. More often than not, a better understanding of what motivated my child’s actions is exactly what I need to be softened enough to redirect in love.

 If I want my children to know that they are filled with goodness, I need to acknowledge their goodness at every opportunity—especially when I am disciplining undesirable behavior. A disciplined child that still feels loved and is also confident in their inherent goodness is much more teachable.

Since that afternoon on the stairs, I have taken more frequent opportunity to pause, breathe, and pray in our hard moments. I have also taken more frequent opportunity to practice affirmations of goodness with Calvin and Daphne in the process of discipline. I won’t say I’m perfect at this, but I think I am improving and so is the overall feeling in our home. I can personally attest to the power of affirming goodness in our children. They need the reminder, and so do we.

By the way, YOU are a GOOD [mother, father, sibling, child, person]. You probably wouldn't be reading this if you weren't.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. A companion piece to your thoughts is Marvin J. Ashton's "The Tongue can be a Sharp Sword." "None of us needs one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, brothers and sisters who support us. . ." How grateful I am to be on your same team, Naomi, trying every single day anew to live as one with divine heritage should live and be how one with royal blood should be.

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